I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
