I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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