I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
