I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
