Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize