the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
