shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize