Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
