im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
