I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
