Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
