so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
