Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
