i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Randomize
