U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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