I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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