oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
