Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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