i wish starbucks made bloody marys
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
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