Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
