She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
