i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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