Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
