Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I forget how to act sober
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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