my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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