he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
