I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
