i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
How external is "for external use only"?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
