First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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