My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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