Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
