Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
