that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
