I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
