if i can run in heels then i can drive
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
