i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize