sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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