You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
