the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
