In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
