4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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