So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
