wakey wakey hands off snakey
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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