I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
