Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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