man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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