Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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