Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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