The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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