just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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