I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
