at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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