You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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