Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
