If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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