my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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