There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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