im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
