I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
They took my balls.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
FUCK WHALES
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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