you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize