I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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